How Can We Support People Who Are Grieving?
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet many of us feel unsure about how to respond when someone is grieving. We worry about saying the wrong thing. We feel uncomfortable with the intensity of someone’s pain. Sometimes we avoid the topic entirely because we don’t know what to do.
But grief does not require perfect words. What grieving people often need most is simply to not feel alone in their pain.
Normalize Grief
Grief is a natural response to loss. It can include sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, guilt, longing, or even moments of relief or calm. There is no single “correct” way to grieve and no predictable timeline.
People may move in and out of different emotional states. Some days may feel manageable, while others may feel overwhelming. This fluctuation is normal.
One of the most supportive things we can do is help normalize this experience: to remind people that grief is not something that needs to be fixed or rushed through.
Common Unhelpful Responses
When someone shares their grief, people often respond with phrases like:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
- “At least he didn’t suffer.”
- “She’s in a better place now.”
- “My cat died.”
- “I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”
- “Call me if you need anything.”
These responses are usually well-intentioned. Most people say them because they genuinely want to comfort the person who is hurting. However, they can sometimes land in ways that feel unhelpful or even painful.
What do many of these responses have in common?
They can unintentionally:
- Minimize the loss
- Invalidate the person’s emotional experience
- Shut down expressions of distress
- Communicate that their pain feels too overwhelming for us to hear
- Shift the focus to our own experiences or feelings
- Offer solutions for a problem that cannot be fixed
Grief is not something that can be solved. When we try to “fix” it, we may unintentionally send the message that the person’s emotions are too much.
Check In With Yourself
Supporting someone through grief often requires us to reflect on our own reactions. Sometimes our responses are driven by our discomfort rather than the needs of the grieving person.
It can be helpful to pause and ask yourself:
- Am I feeling uncomfortable with this person’s distress?
- What is this discomfort bringing up for me?
- Am I trying to find the “bright side” or a silver lining?
- Do I feel the urge to fix it or make it better?
These reactions are human. Many of us were not taught how to sit with pain—our own or someone else’s. Becoming aware of these impulses can help us respond more intentionally and compassionately.
Managing Our Own Anxiety
One common fear people have is that talking about the loss will make the grieving person feel worse. In reality, most people who are grieving are already thinking about and missing the person they lost. Gently acknowledging the loss is unlikely to intensify their pain—it often communicates that their loved one matters and has not been forgotten.
Our own anxiety can sometimes lead to avoidance. We might change the subject, stay silent, or withdraw because we are afraid of saying the wrong thing.
Yet for many grieving people, silence and avoidance can feel more painful than imperfect words.
Often, the most supportive thing we can do is manage our own discomfort so we can remain present. If we can move past the fear of making a mistake, we create space to authentically show up.
Simple statements can go a long way:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “I’ve been thinking about you.”
- “Do you want to tell me about them?”
- “I’m here to listen if you ever want to talk.”
What Actually Helps
Research on grief suggests that people benefit from different kinds of support at different times. Grieving is not a one-size-fits-all experience, and blanket approaches are not always helpful.
For example, many people experiencing what is often considered “typical” or expected grief do not necessarily benefit from formal bereavement counselling. However, they may appreciate knowing that support exists and how to access it if they need it later.
On the other hand, individuals experiencing chronic or complicated grief may benefit significantly from more targeted therapeutic interventions.
This means support should be flexible and responsive rather than prescriptive.
Offer Specific, Practical Support
One of the most meaningful ways to support someone who is grieving is through practical assistance—especially in the early days following a death.
Instead of saying, “Call me if you need anything,” consider offering something specific:
- “Would it help if I came with you to that appointment?”
- “I can take notes during the meeting if that would make things easier.”
- “I can send you reminders for your appointments if that’s helpful.”
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, grieving individuals may also need help navigating logistical tasks, such as:
- Registering the death
- Planning funeral or memorial arrangements
- Closing accounts
- Transferring bills or services into another person’s name
These tasks can feel overwhelming while someone is processing a loss. Offering concrete help can relieve some of that burden.
Presence Matters More Than Perfection
Supporting someone who is grieving does not require perfect words, psychological expertise, or a carefully crafted response.
More often, it requires something much simpler and sometimes much harder.
It requires us to stay present with someone’s pain without trying to fix it.
When we listen, acknowledge the loss, and offer practical support where we can, we communicate something deeply meaningful: You are not alone in this.
Learn more through our training on Grief and Loss.
We also recommend the book As Long As You Need by J.S. Park.